冬日傍晚的奇思怪想

似乎是wordsworth說的,詩是情感的沉澱。我沉澱不來,所以沒有詩。這篇題目雖名為傍晚,實質上,當彼之時,雖然很想敲打鍵盤,卻沒有電腦在手。正常情況下,這篇文章該流產了,何況我現在卻也沒啥要說。

下午在錢穆圖書館,捧了一本書,討論明朝貞節烈女的演變(我的題目聽起來總是如此讓人望而生畏,索然無趣)。寫得挺好的,我竟然沒有如以往般被圖書館的空氣熏倒在桌子上,或者也許是因爲早上喝了咖啡。貞烈的行爲,或者所有的道德教化故事,講到根本,總是要通過許諾回報來消散所有的慘烈。這種許諾或者是利,但更多是名—-來自他人的讚賞、不朽的可能、或者自我贊許的道德圓滿。總而言之,這是被一講再講的人生意義的實現。

我相信那樣真誠的道德信念與道德實踐,不管其手段多麽慘烈,也不管其最終評價為何,都無礙於其真誠。

可是,我也難忘自己每次讀貞烈傳的毛骨悚然—-對不起,不是尊敬。每個故事可能是2行或者3行,幸運的得到文人的書寫,於是可能佔到一兩頁紙,一行一行地看過去,無窮無盡;一頁一頁地翻過去,重復又重復的故事。修縣誌的人抱怨什麽?抱怨太多貞婦列女了,以至於他不知道該怎樣記載?不記載,辜負了她們的苦行;都記載吧,又害怕連篇累牘、千文一意讓讀者昏然欲睡。今天看到數字了,明朝就有27141–而這只是根據今日所見到的文獻統計而出的數字,想想這個數字排列出來的隊伍,可以站滿多少個百萬大道—–能不毛骨悚然嗎?可修縣誌者依然擔心有人看了她們的故事會想睡覺。

這種顧慮實在是太有自知之明。依然是文字書寫的悖論。

在所有(中國傳統的)道德行爲中,最大的誘惑該是不朽吧。可是,三不朽中,到最後,都只能寄望文字流傳了。牌坊、碑文、墓誌銘、行狀、傳記,無論是官方、士人、民間,到最終,你還是只能訴諸文字。可是,就算被記載,這能保證什麽?宇文所安說得好,當我們追憶古人的時候,同時也期望(通過參與追憶前人而)被後人追憶。繼續下去,我們大家都知道,沒有人記得昨天,其實就等於沒有明天會記得今天。拼了命地擠進了歷史書後,並不能保證這些書籍能夠免於塵埃覆蓋:每次借書,我最喜歡看的就是借閲記錄,並為它們嘆息。

然後我就只能對著窗外的一片海(或許就是吐露港?),一條公路(北上的大埔公路?)發呆。冬日的下午,陰沉得很,山頂的圖書館,又是假日,世界當然寧靜。這樣的下午本來就是用來胡思亂想的,冬天以它的肅清讓你清醒,陰鬱的天空,以它的肅穆讓你平靜。然後我就開始學以致用了。

我在想,這些女子們(當然也包括男子們)那樣真誠追逐過的人生意義,就這樣被輕輕地一筆被抹殺了,或者被變成學術問題了,這是件該多麽讓人惶恐的事情—-我是說,如果你考慮到他們的真誠。所有的行爲變成了荒誕的或者愚昧的展示(比如割股、或者挖心肝當葯引),所有的意義都只是被建構。那麽我們如何確保我們當下的每一個追求都不至於成爲荒誕或者愚昧?

我知道這是現代哲學的終極困難,哦,也許是現代人類的終極困難。但是,有點點奇怪的是,現在的我對此竟然沒有想象中的惶恐了。我只是望著公路上的車流發呆:那奔馳的貨車存在於這個世界做什麽?這不管,可是裏面總有個司機,大概他在努力地為孩子賺學費,晚上回家該是他奔波的期待吧。

最後,我的發呆就以凝視圖書館下面迎風亂舞的野草們結束了:它們互相推搡著,互摑嘴巴—真的,像極了,我第一次發現我這麽有想象力。

哦,我終于,趕上11:30分,真長。朱自清說:是誰把你從我的指縫中偷走啊?我也想知道。

 

 

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