為您而書
眼角下的淚痣在多年前就被某位江湖藝人的一炷煙點去,但動輒流淚的天性卻不能就此斷根。所幸,這幾年的眼淚大多數是因爲感動而流,也許慢慢的我身邊所有人都會習慣了吧。早點讓他們習慣也好。盡管如此,我還是不能相信、接受自己竟然在跟莫言、葛水平的座談會上,當著那麽多的老師與同學流起眼淚。
或許年紀越來越大,或許臉皮越來越厚,在這幾年,這種讓我淚水與笑容齊飛的情況,似乎呈現日漸汎濫的趨勢。有時引起強烈共鳴,但恐怕,有時成了莫名其妙吧,比如今天下午這個場合。若客觀來説,莫言基本上沒成爲我的閲讀對象,而葛水音這名字甚至是我第一次聽到,但“鄉土”這個詞背後的每一個細節與場景,如此牽動了記憶以及當下生活。但這些都是不重點。其實我關注的是,作家爲何而書?
記得大學老師—-也許又是駱玉明?—-說,文學只提出問題,不解決問題。我深深贊同莫言的深刻洞察力,同時也感動於葛水平的眷念與深情。書寫有很多層面的意義,我想莫言希望的是揭露問題、甚至嘗試解決問題,比如《紅高粱》的生命力,這是一個男性作家—-在這個地方,這種差別如此明顯—-參與社會、歷史運作的方式。但是,對我來説呢?昨天晚上,當我看完葛亮〈阿霞〉之後,心裏湧起一個強烈的念頭,一個似乎初中之後就沒再想過的問題:寫作吧!寫作作爲一種紀念與表達的方式,作爲緬懷與追憶的渠道,讓它成爲生命中不能遺忘的事情的保存著吧。在這點上,我如此靠近葛水平。
將情感、靈魂變成知識其實是同樣可怕的事情,並沒有比當年的將信仰與價值變成知識更加不讓我恐慌。所以,我喜歡這樣的座談會,甚於講座。但也可能只是我的錯覺,別人並沒有沉潤到這樣的時空。這是一個要隱藏自己、隱藏想法的時空,率性如我都會因流淚而尷尬。
這是個需要腦袋不需要心的時空。所以,在學院呆久了,慢慢也就會跟傳媒界的同學感覺一樣,文字與寫作慢慢變成了一種機械。這種無感的狀態慢慢就變成一種無意義的喃喃自語,成爲韓非子痛斥的蠹蟲。明明當初我們都是有一顆心的,因爲生活的深度與美好讓我我們來到這裡,並希望由此更靠近生活,結果反而麻木於生活了。可是,在這裡,如此吊詭的是,當我們要靠近生活保存的生活時,又只能回到文字。
我是如此執迷、相信於文字的魅力。以至於我開始期盼,能用抒寫來靠近您,靠近你們的世界。有時候,越是看到面孔下的靈魂,越是感覺到生命的蒼白、艱難與力量。我是如此地深愛著這個世界,但卻竟然要因此與它隔離。
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