致每一刻

好像很久,沒有如此寧靜歡欣的時刻。柔和的暈黃檯燈下,舉目四望,是我的房間。沃爾夫說得對,一個女人,再怎麼樣,得有一間自己的房子,以及每年五百英鎊的收入,然後你才可以談寫小說。其實無論男女,在任何時代、社會,人格獨立總要建立在經濟獨立之上。古人謂:安身立命,心靈得有地方可以寄託,身軀同樣需要找到處所安頓。這一刻,三年前從蘇州帶來的刺繡終於和諧地待在梳粧檯上,全家福裏面,四年前那個青春洋溢的我傻傻地對我露出開心的笑容。我很高興可以同樣回她一笑。

幾天前的某個晚上,終於完成了讀書以來的第一部電視劇。我很明白,這部電視劇為何會如此風靡,引起大齡女青年的強烈共鳴,是幾百上千年來的那句臨風長噓:如花美眷,似水流年。時光驅逐著我們不斷地往前跑,等到駐足回望,卻看到似乎什麽都沒留下。在這些時刻,存在主義的虛無感會顯得如此真實、無可逃遁。其實,古典文學時代,這些感覺也從來沒有缺失過,無怪乎才子佳人小說戲曲中,男則屢嘆懷才不遇,旦則永遠傷春盼愛。如果時光不會流轉,沒有王德威所謂的“惘惘的威脅”,或許這些人生意義的追尋就不會顯得如此迫切而令人傷感吧。

回到電視故事上。前面十二集,就這樣讓我沉浸在無比的傷感中,又哭又笑,跟每一次的濫情又勵志的故事一樣。但後半部拖沓冗長的爛編劇終於把我喚醒:這樣的電視很惡劣地戳中了我們的痛點,然後強化了我們偶爾難免的自怨自艾自卑自憐的情緒。可歲月的增多,怎麼會只是讓一切變得搖擺不定困惑不安呢?我所想要的、所能要的、以及所應該要的,這些追尋縱然不能馬上明晰地展現,卻也是慢慢地呈現著它們的樣貌吧?

然後又回到那個回首一望啥都無的存在主義虛無感。這個永恆的問題,或許也不是沒有個暫時的答案。前幾日在火車上,新聞播報神九太空人要來香港與市民見面。在鬧哄哄的地鐵裏面,這個畫面讓我犯傻了。這些看起來很重要宏偉的人類事業,爲什麽卻激不起我任何興奮驚歎神往之情?蘇東坡說,存亡見慣渾無淚,果然日子過得太多,眼見著把所有的偉業都拆解了。人類的生活好像變成這樣了:努力賺錢、吃飯、減肥、把它們排泄出去;努力地發展經濟、製造武器、互相廝殺;努力地研究一堆問題、變成文字、束之高閣。這樣想來,比起這堆宏偉事業的自欺欺人,我們的人生怎能算一無是處呢?減法做到一定程度,及時回頭,做做加法,認真踏實就好了。

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