我的婚姻觀

親愛的老師:

剛才您又跟我講起這個,讓我不要太執著於婚姻在人生中的位置與意義。我太明白您只是希望我能過得開心,不要被任何既定的成見束縛了自己的存在。但是為什麼,每次談起這個話題,我還是覺得有不被理解的委屈?

大概得怪罪我自己吧,是因為以前我對這個問題的言說方式,引起了您的擔心嗎?

無論怎麼樣,請反過來理解我所有的話語。我對婚姻的所有期待,既不建立在父母的逼迫,也不建立在對婚姻的美化想象之上,更不是迫於世俗的規範。當你說,人類可以只是為the pursuit for happiness而活時,我當然明白,所以我反對任何絕對不婚或者絕對結婚觀念。但是,幸福只系於個人的界定,也因此,無論你用多少單身而快樂的人來當例子,卻實在與我快樂與否無關。

親愛的老師,當我請你不要為我擔心,跟你說我很開心的時候,難道你不相信我嗎?你不相信我在對婚姻抱有如此執念的情況下,依然可以讓自己過得幸福無比?你不相信在承認人生難免缺憾或不完美的狀態下,生活的每分每秒依然可以被珍惜?你不相信退而求其次的人生,依然可以盡自己的最大努力活著?

顯然你都相信。每一時刻、每一種方式,都值得我們投射以最大的同情與關注,這是我們文學與藝術的信念,也是我們學術的根本動力。但我們也都必須得同意,在對生活的體認之上,追求圓滿與美好,嚮往超越的存在,更是人類不可磨滅的祈盼。你可以說婚姻不值得加載這麼多的期盼,但卻實實在在地提供了愛與力量。

我太知道,你擔心我為了結婚而結婚。可是,老師,也許正是這種擔憂讓我感到莫名的被誤解的委屈。這讓我覺得,在你的眼中,我的人生幸福感,完全被我的婚姻觀綁架了。——我這麼委屈的根源是,我覺得你不理解我、不懂得真正欣賞我?

當我嘗試反思自己的情緒反應時,我想這是答案。你總是說我聰明——可是,我太明白我只是中人之資;你也總是誇獎我待人處事成熟——那你為何不信任我對自己人生幸福的追求能力?世間種種,唯一能把握的不就是自己的幸福“感覺”嗎?

可你偏偏下意識地覺得,我會因為暫時的沒結婚而限制了自己的幸福。苦惱總難免,悲傷總是存在,但這都不說明不幸福。

老師,在我奇怪的人生觀中,我卻是會為自己的苦惱而覺得幸福的,就算幸福感被限制了,我也知道自己希望得到什麼、追求什麼。如果將來的某一天,我轉而成為不婚主義者,那也是將來自然的事——但在人類幸福上,卻依然會為婚姻與家庭大唱頌歌,在這點上,你跟我的觀念如出一轍。愛——而不是自由——讓我體認活著的意義。我不為種種因所謂“愛”而滋生的罪孽作辯護,卻也不能說違背本意的話。

如果有一天你徹底相信,我的婚姻觀並非只是流俗成見的產物,而是我對人生美好與幸福的追求而已,就不會再有今天中午的對話了。

親愛的老師,當我劃上句號的時候,你打來了電話,讓我去你家喝翟老師煲的湯——我完全可以想見咱們在餐桌上的歡笑聲。如果我對這些幸福與生活對我的厚愛都不能感知的話,難道不是太不成熟、不知感恩的孩子嗎?下一次,要是你再問起我開心嗎?我怎麼回答呢?每次我都不知道怎麼回答,但或許可以嘗試這個答案:煩惱與悲傷時不時都會有的,安全與幸福感卻從來不缺。

 

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