dark days

在我睡覺的時候,學生們的成績終於出來了。雖然我從來也沒敢抱太高希望,但據說還是考得很不好。弟弟說:別傷心了。是啊,都這個時候,傷心也沒用。在過去的一年,嚴格地說,兩個月前,眼淚已經提前哭完了。

但回想起來,最大的問題可能並不是出在去年此刻的辭職,而是離職之後的不在場。直到兩個月前,竟然在他們幾乎考完最後一場時,我才知道有四位學生在我辭職後馬上放棄考試,也是在差不多時候,陸續有幾位學生埋怨:老師,你怎麼也不給我們鼓勵一下呀。

我明明知道的,在最後關頭,他們總是期待著我的陪伴。但我總有藉口:讓他們獨立吧;或者不要影響現在的老師與他們的關係;再或者,我確實很忙很忙;況且也不可能每時每刻顧及所有學生。每個藉口看起來總是有幾分成立,但依然是藉口。而算起來,其中最可恥的心理莫過於:電話也別打了,反正打了也沒用。沒有付諸行動的關心都是假的。

看起來好像我還停留在第一階段:覺得他人的問題都是我造成的。其實大概沒有學生會埋怨我,他們甚至還要一次次地感謝我。但確確實實,在如何對學生更靠譜地負責任這點上,我昨晚痛定思痛的毛病終於很嚴酷地展示了它累及他人的後果。我能應付生活的許多面目,可是如果後果必須攤到他人頭上,那就是我對的最大懲罰。

2011年星座運程說:本年必須經歷世間人情義理的大考驗。從去年7月28接到入學通知,到今天,一年過去了,而我這一關過得真不好。我將心力放在濫情與懈怠上,卻懶於有更切實的態度。推而及其他的種種,又何能捫心自答:我盡力了?

其實寫出來,并無助於現有結果的改變。

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