dark days
在我睡覺的時候，學生們的成績終於出來了。雖然我從來也沒敢抱太高希望，但據說還是考得很不好。弟弟說：別傷心了。是啊，都這個時候，傷心也沒用。在過去的一年，嚴格地說，兩個月前，眼淚已經提前哭完了。
但回想起來，最大的問題可能並不是出在去年此刻的辭職，而是離職之後的不在場。直到兩個月前，竟然在他們幾乎考完最後一場時，我才知道有四位學生在我辭職後馬上放棄考試，也是在差不多時候，陸續有幾位學生埋怨：老師，你怎麼也不給我們鼓勵一下呀。
我明明知道的，在最後關頭，他們總是期待著我的陪伴。但我總有藉口：讓他們獨立吧；或者不要影響現在的老師與他們的關係；再或者，我確實很忙很忙；況且也不可能每時每刻顧及所有學生。每個藉口看起來總是有幾分成立，但依然是藉口。而算起來，其中最可恥的心理莫過於：電話也別打了，反正打了也沒用。沒有付諸行動的關心都是假的。
看起來好像我還停留在第一階段：覺得他人的問題都是我造成的。其實大概沒有學生會埋怨我，他們甚至還要一次次地感謝我。但確確實實，在如何對學生更靠譜地負責任這點上，我昨晚痛定思痛的毛病終於很嚴酷地展示了它累及他人的後果。我能應付生活的許多面目，可是如果後果必須攤到他人頭上，那就是我對的最大懲罰。
2011年星座運程說：本年必須經歷世間人情義理的大考驗。從去年7月28接到入學通知，到今天，一年過去了，而我這一關過得真不好。我將心力放在濫情與懈怠上，卻懶於有更切實的態度。推而及其他的種種，又何能捫心自答：我盡力了？
其實寫出來，并無助於現有結果的改變。
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