33線

午夜三點三十三分,回家後的第一次失眠。公雞已經開始啼叫。

正如我跟侄子說的:千萬別在睡前想你的夢,早上起床再想吧。但我犯了這個錯,結果只能來這裡,否則估計得聽雞叫到天明。

按照順序排下來,你們見證並組成了我過往十年的青春(我何其幸運!)。如果有機會讓你們一臺坐,大概會有個共同結論:十年來的陳亮亮都是同一個人,尤其是她的混亂與無厘頭。

然後我想說:我想改一改了,你們相信嗎?

其實我特捨不得。就說混亂,我簡直不能想像蘇東坡或者莊子先生能朝九晚五井井有條地生活。chaos不是一種生活狀態,倒是種人生態度。自得與平靜、隨遇而安向來是我嚮往的人生境界,太拘牽、規律以至於死板似乎是天生的敵人。於是,構成了你們所熟悉的我的生活:從小學開始就不間斷地無數次的遲到,連火車、飛機都趕不上;一次又一次逃難般地沖往火車站、飛機場,畢業離校甚至連行李都來不及收;沒有證件莽撞地跟政府打交道;坐車做錯方向是常事;忘事丟東西更是家常便飯;每日里當然有無限的死線要沖。大概我足夠幸運,碰上了夠好的環境與夠好的人,結果總是幸運地度過,以致讓我覺得:沒關係,過程也是一種體驗。

回想起來,因著我的混亂,不少人被我連累了。更重要的是,終於我老到開始覺得,這大概有點問題了。活到今天,無論按照主流或者非主流的眼光,我這叫不好也不壞。按我的生活哲學,甚至可稱為悠遊自在。但是,就這樣了嗎?當我拿起筆在紙上寫下自己的想做的事情時,我得承認,我對自己確實沒有對別人好,雖然對他人的事盡心盡力,卻總是馬馬虎虎對待自己想要的東西,結果辜負了愛我與我愛的人。

當然不僅是混亂的問題。按心理專家的分析,我絕對屬於因為自我設限,導致低成就的高潛質族群(Self-limited High Potential Persons,簡稱SLHPP)。想了想,也是。阿Q精神有時被濫用了,就成了這副德性。當然,直到此刻,我還想為懶散、自足常樂的生活辯護,將所有勵志書都認定為是現代社會對人類價生活與價值的奴役,但我終究得承認兩件事:1)過去的經驗證明,爲了輕鬆,結果是沒了生活;2)所謂的自足,在某些事情上總是帶著自我欺騙成份,就這點而言,糖大天同學某次對我的分析還是鞭辟入裡的。

所以,朋友們,我要起航了。不過放心,精神上我還是你們愛著的那個自由混亂自足的我,但生活上她得改一改,更積極一點。梭羅能在瓦爾登湖實驗兩年,那反過來也行的。董大雁大概最欣慰了,苦口婆心這麼多年。廣而告之你們,能共勉的共勉,督促的督促,旁觀的旁觀,該生養娃的也照舊忙去。啥時納悶我沒音訊時,就想著:這孩子在她的人生路上努力著。(董大雁同學跟志丹 @Gold中中中 討教下育兒經吧)。

 

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