週末的午後

這個看起來如此溫暖愉悅的詞,曾經我那麼接近過。而今,當每一天都可能呈現這樣的歡愉,你卻總在偶爾時刻發問:這一切何以可能?又終將通往哪裡?

華老師回台灣了,真好,看他爸爸。最近沉浸於現代文學的現代性論述中,有時倒真的叩到了生活與人生的本質,然而還是那句話:我們掙脫了所有的枷鎖跳進來,力圖探索生命,結果,卻離生活更遠了。每日到學校,看看書吃吃飯,跟著一群迷惑而單純的人,一起單純地嬉鬧,還有無止境的忙碌。忙碌到不能跟朋友四處晃,忙碌到甚至回家都是奢望。這樣的生活,於我,卻不能算壞,只是,這不能算是一種正常的生活吧?

但或許正常的生活中,我們會浮現更多的存在主義時刻,只是因為更沉重的忙碌抹殺了我們更多的困惑。四年前,也是在這樣的天氣這樣的下午,風扇嘶嘶地響,學生低頭作文,陽光執著但卻無甚力度地探入陰涼的教室,我坐在講臺,悲傷不邀自至,淚水頃然而下,不顧所有困惑的、探索的目光。那幕場景之後,我知道沒有情緒是可以被完全壓抑,在每一個防不勝防的時刻,這些不被召喚的感覺會襲來,反抗這壓榨我們生活與情緒的現代化運程。時代的巨輪滾過去,壓碎我們扁平的臉孔與緊繃的神經,但還留下彌散在空氣中的氣味與喘息聲。

那些溫情脈脈的時刻,從遙遠的今日回望過去,如此甜蜜熟悉而不能靠近。而我執意相信,明日還有這樣的時刻,今日還應該微笑。每一次反省,我寧願寧願這樣執著與執迷,抱著這些質樸而甜美的信念,縱然對於實際事情,這些念頭有時看來如此自欺欺人。

 

 

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